Coneheads Controversy

the title sounds weird, i know, but it will make so much sense once you've read this post. oh, and it doesn't have anything to do with aliens. it has to do with that blue-on-the-outside-pepto-bismol-pink on the inside restaurant just outside the park where i do research. as i'm sure i've mentioned, i went back to port st. joe on monday to take down the two experiments i had there. well, while i was freezing my ass off in the choppy water, one of the park rangers came and left a note on the DISL truck that i took on my trip (it was the monstrous ford f250 super duty that i hate for its hugeness but kind of like for its relative newness). the note was pretty vague. it just said "please stop by the office on your way out. thanks -- *** ******, park ranger." those ***s stand for a name, btw. i had no idea what it was about. i was thinking something along the lines of "hmm... maybe they want to search my coolers for the first time EVER." you know, to make sure i'm not collecting any critters that aren't on my permit(s).

anyway, that's not what the note was about. when i stopped at the office, i basically got accused of stealing food from coneheads... a restaurant in which i have not stepped foot since june. the ranger guy was like, "did you eat at coneheads? and did you pay?" and i was like, "i've been there before, but not today. i brought a sandwich" and he just said, "ok. that's all i wanted." but he was giving me that "i think you're lying but i just can't prove it" look. i thought the whole thing was supremely odd. i mean, why would a park ranger be trying to find someone who walked out on a check at a local restaurant? and what led him to think that i was the culprit?

well, my answers came a bit later when dottie called me. i got all excited when i heard 'the danger zone' ('cause that's my ringtone, remember?), and i just let it ring for a bit, but then i answered and it was dottie. she was calling to ask me about the whole coneheads situation... because the crazy bitch from the restaurant called DISL. how she got the number and why she would call a lab 5 hours away from her restaurant remain a mystery. the only plausible explanation is the she called the park and they told her that someone from DISL was working there that day (me) and that the helpful ranger dug up the number for ken's lab, because he's the one to call on all our permits. and that's when she called dottie and got all bitchy.

anyway, dottie said that the chick said the culprit was a small 27 year old girl with curly brown hair, wearing a brown uniform, driving a white truck with state tags on the front, who claimed to be heading to the park to collect endangered species. oh, and she then said something like, "i don't want the money. i just want you to let whoever did it know that they were caught." i imagine that this was followed by a witchy cackle. i guess it could be said that i am small (but i'm not freakishly small or anything... 5' 3.25" is a respectable height!); i am 24, not 27; i do have brown hair, but it is quite straight; i was not wearing anything brown (i was wearing blue jeans and a black t-shirt from the aquarium in valencia over a striped purple bikini); i was driving a white truck with state tags on the back like a normal vehicle and it has a bright red fish on both front doors surrounded by the words "Dauphin Island Sea Lab"; and i would never have said that i was going to collect endangered species. i would have said something like, "i'm going to freeze my ass off taking down my grazing experiments in the seagrass beds." dottie specifically asked about the logo on the truck, because it is quite obvious. the chick replied, "i didn't pay that much attention to the truck." anyway, after talking with me dottie reached the conclusion that the chick from coneheads was smoking crack, and i thought the whole deal was done. but this story has spread through the entire lab like wildfire, and apparently some people acutally believe that i walked out on a check at coneheads. which i did not.

i do, however, have a theory. The Whore from the DEP (i'm not going to mention her actual name, lest she google herself and find out what i call her behind her back and smite any future attempts that i might make at getting a resesarch permit from her) was probably the culprit. and it's just my luck (or perhaps bad karma, you know, for referring to her as The Whore, and spreading that nickname around the entirety of DISL) that instead of pursuing her, everyone seems to think that i did it. which, once again, just for clarification, i DID NOT. you see, i think The Whore is pissed that i managed to go over her head and get not a permit but a deminimus exemption (lower on the totem pole than a permit) from my new buddy andy k when she tried so very hard to prevent me from collecting any seagrass in bay county. so she's trying to get back at me... by stealing food from coneheads and throwing all the suspicion onto innocent little me. she must be an evil genius, i tell you, to pull it off. but it kind of fits. the park service folks do wear brown uniforms and drive white trucks with state tags... and they even put tags on the front of their vehicles. sure, i don't know if The Whore is small or if she has curly brown hair ('cause i've never actually met her in person, just talked to her on the phone), but i'm nearly positive that it must have been her.

it's the only explanation.