I'm Stupid

today i had a very depressing meeting with dr. v. (my Ph.D. advisor, in case you've forgotten). this little conference should not have been depressing at all. we discussed the results of the totally screwed up field experiment i ran this summer, and despite all of the crazy tropical activity (tropical storms arlene and cindy and hurricane dennis) that confounded said experiment, the results actually made a little bit of sense. allow me to emphasize "a little bit." dr. v. seems disappointed with the little bit of sense the results made.

before walking into the marine sciences department at 10:00 this morning, i was an intelligent young graduate student perfectly capable of reasoning out the statistics and making them tell me a perfectly plausible story. yet, after speaking with dr. v. and working through some additional comparisons, i walked out of the marine sciences department office feeling shell-shocked and completely unable to grasp the concept of "a new project idea." those four teeny tiny itty bitty little words have been haunting me all day. a new project. *clutches heart and falls to the floor*

dr. v. totally hit the nail on the head when he pointed out that i am "probably getting antsy" and "ready to really go at it." i haven't even written a prospectus, for crying out loud! i am going certifiably insane. i am never going to graduate. i will become one of those wierd old people who hangs out with 20-somethings because they're still in school with the youngsters! i will absolutely curl myself up into the fetal position and sob for days if i have to come up with a new project. a negative result is still a result! isn't it important to find out that condensed tannins aren't effective defenses against herbivory and publish it so that some other grad student in the far far future doesn't waste an entire year of her precious grad school career discovering this fact that never gets published because it's a negative result, and so that this hypothetical grad student isn't subsequently forced to drown herself in a toilet or some other completely off-putting, vomit-inducing receptacle??? see? totally off my rocker.

anyway, so after listening to dr. v. make suggestions on how to broaden my project and make it dissertation-worthy i felt nothing less than stupid. i am stupid. i am not with stupid. i am stupid. his thought processes are so far beyond mine, it does not even come close to funny. the hamster inside my head has been temporarily crippled by the Ph.D-mafia, who do not find me worthy and so are preventing the hamster from turning those little wheels of intelligence, thus assuring my failure to join the ranks of those we adress as "doctor." breaking my legs instead of the hamster's would have been way too obvious.

i should just give it all up right now and go teach biology to a bunch of belligerent, apathetic, delinquent high school punks who don't really give a rat's bum about science.

i guess if anything should make me feel a tad better about life, it's the fact that dr. v. seems quite determined to make sure that i make it through this whole ordeal alive and relatively happy... though he remains entirely unaware of how stupid his superior thinking makes me feel.