Drunken Mens' Room Conversation

now, obviously i am not in the habit of hanging out in mens' rooms at bars, so the story i am about to relate had to come to me from my husband. there are three characters in this story: drunken southerner, drunken brit, and unidentified hockey player. so, last night after an atrocious ice pilots game, chad, vanessa, deva, and i headed over to mcguire's for food and maybe a glimpse of some of the players. well, we saw a few players, all right, but chad definitely had the most interesting story about them upon returning from the restroom. the conversation he overheard went a little something like this:

drunken southerner, upon seeing unidentified hockey player (imagine the southern accent, with a bit of slur): "man, you guys played like crap - like a bunch of homos out there."

unidentified hockey player: disgruntled look, like he really wants to kick the guy's ass

drunken brit (again, imagine the accent): "so where are you guys going after this, sammy's? wait, of course not - you're a bunch of homos."

unidentified hockey player, replying to such digs from a stall: "even homos can go to titty bars."

of course, the relay of this story cracked me, vanessa, and deva up. even homos can go to titty bars... that's funny stuff. there's one thing i have to admit, though. seeing the players at mcguire's just isn't as exciting when they suck - and sucking is about the only thing these guys do well.

and now for the rant you've all been waiting for. i am going to point out all of the things that are wrong with this season's ice pilot team (an amazing feat, i know). they're slower than flippin' tortoises out there, they're afraid to take a shot, god forbid that they should try and drive the net, they refuse to lay a hit on anyone (but they have that duck and cover thing down when an opposing player hits one of them), they can't pass for shit (yet that's always what they all want to do, unless it's the smart thing to do, then they'll shoot into heavy traffic and give up the puck), planting a guy in the crease in the offensive zone must be taboo for them, and when they do get a guy down there and make a smart pass, the guy waiting by the open net can't handle the puck (*cough* fulghum). it's like they're afraid of the puck or something. they pass when they should be shooting, and they inevitably try to pass to the guy who has two players covering him instead of the guy who's open. maybe they like seeing the other guys skate all over them and score 6 goals a night on their goaltender. what their mothers did to them to give them that attitude, i'll never be able to fathom, but there it is just the same.

no, i'm not finished yet. our guys fall all over themselves (*cough* collins) and stay down on the ice for an eternity, praying for a penalty call (though even with all of the power plays we've had, including a few 5-on-3's, they have yet to score a power play goal). then, they're so slow on their skates that it's like we're down a man until the guy who fell catches back up to the play. the one guy on the team who actually has wheels (dominic noel - aka "the body" by fans of the female [or homosexual male] persuasion) unfortunately thinks the puck is coated in crisco and can't keep his stick on it, so the breakaways for us will be few and far between. to top this off, our "enforcer" doesn't understand the concept of enforcement, though he can pick fights. his idea of his role on the team is to beat up the opponent after they've thoroughly kicked our asses on the scoreboard instead of getting in their way and keeping them from killing our players. and the one aspect of our game that should be good (goaltending) because we have three really good goalies on hand is falling apart, too. but i guess that freddy has always had a good team in front of him, fostering our vision of him as a kick-ass goalie, and with this shitty group out there, he just can't handle it. freddy's good. i'll give him that, but he is certainly no roberto luongo. he does not possess luongo's uncanny ability to be excellent when facing 50 shots a night with one of the worst teams ever in front of him. luongo's getting a break this season, though. the panthers don't suck this year. but back to the pilots, in my oh so humble opinion, trevor cunning should have gotten the start in goal last night. freddy wasn't exactly great friday night (he allowed 6 goals for crying out loud), and cunning deserved a chance.

obviously, i don't have the highest opinion of most of our guys this year. i would be glad to see nearly everyone go elsewhere. there are a few current ice pilots i would like to keep around, however. turek has been playing fairly well, and corey is probably the best defenseman we have (which is kind of sad, because he isn't very sharp right now). but the best guy we have right now is dallas steward. how sad is it that our best player is my size... and i'm not exactly a 6 foot 5 hulk who could just run down anyone on the other team to get to the net. no, our best player is 5' 3 1/2" and might weigh 140 pounds. but he's feisty. man, is he feisty. but a guy that small just can't do it alone. i hope to see some major roster changes in the near future.

boy, this is going to be a long season. at least the flyers are improving. their game last night in toronto was much better than the pilots game. gange is still on a roll, and radivojevic finally scored a goal... but the best part of that game was mike richards's short-handed goal - when the flyers were down by 2 guys. it was amazing. he's definitely one of the best rookies in the league.

ok. more hockey talk soon, i'm sure, but for now i'm outie.